She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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