happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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