I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
