i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
