I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Slut skills are useful in every country.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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