so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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