Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize