You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
