My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
