so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
