Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize