is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
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