someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Randomize
