final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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