Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
