I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
