You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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