yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
