So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
