I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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