I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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