Moan for me like Helen Keller
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
