my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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