I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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