i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Randomize
