when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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