My hand turned me down
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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