I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
