you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
