i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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