You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
