Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
