I wanna passion pit in your ass
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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