Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
