Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
she told me i tasted like america
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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