i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You ruined the universe
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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