I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
