headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
