TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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