We won't sleep together?
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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