My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
