I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
