I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
