It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
