Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
