Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize