I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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