I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
