My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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