Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
