I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize