Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
