So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
