she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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