Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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