The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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