just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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