we made out on top of his cat.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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