I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
