you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
The struggles of a small town man whore
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize